I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, some I comment on, but usually I need an incentive because I’m getting lazy. My time has been short this weekend because my days and nights have gotten mixed up somehow and I usually spend a majority of my time with Bill because he’s funny and usually he makes me feel better, but sometimes he irritates me just because I’m a grouchy old witch.

Laughter is so important because it relieves stress and tension and has been reported to help you live longer, but I have decided if I don’t get rid of this fricken menopause I really don’t know how much more life I can take. I tried giving up smoking, but it did not last. I was nicotine free for 3 or 4 weeks and I thought the worse was over…Well guess what, yup I started back.

For over 40 years they have been my constant companion and at 54 I thought I would try to dump my best friend because I pictured myself roaming and living on the streets and not being able to afford them when I get older and really get senile. Bill’s family thought I quit because something was wrong with me, but it was nothing so dramatic and I found out that our little Grandson put a prayer in his box awhile back asking God to help me quit.

I did slow down, but I haven’t told Nate that I started back yet, however I’m not chain smoking any more. I know I probably will not be able to keep that under control though because I’m sitting here right now craving one and I’m such a weak minded person. I would like to gain some sort of power over it instead of the other way around. I might have to start the Chantix again, I know I quit taking them too early.

We’re debating taking the bike out for a short ride so I’ll wrap this post up. I know it’s not healthy and Bill says old people look horrible smoking. I would like to be an elegant old lady, but I don’t see that happening. I actually only wear my glasses when I’m working on the computer or riding the bike because I don’t like looking in the mirror and seeing all the wrinkles especially around the lips, that way they are diffused and I can pretend.

Some people really fight the aging process, but I don’t any more. I guess that is one good thing about menopause, it is helping me to let go of all those preconceived ideas of looking young forever, like Priscilla Presley and Joan Collins at 70 something. I admire Priscilla for getting out on that dance floor and she’s doing such a great job at 62. Joan Collins said that the younger man she is with now is her last. Now that made me laugh, I think she is fantastic and has alot of spunk.

From youth to retirement and in between as we have raised our family and dealt with business issues and careers I’m sure most of us have tried to be upstanding citizens. I’m sure there are many times that we are proud of, but anyone that has successfully reached their senior years has also had a few moments and relationships that they aren’t very proud of also. We are only human and I’m sure many have faced a lot of hard times in life. 

The older I get the more I think about all the hurt I may have caused others in my life and have come to realize that the hardest words to say in this earthly language for myself and many others is “I’m Sorry.” Pride really is a waste of time, but you don’t realize that sometimes till it’s to late. No one ever likes to admit that they were wrong about anything. That is one of the hardest things to ever acknowledge.

Chances are that by this stage in your life, you can look back and think of times when you did treat someone very badly. Maybe you were in the wrong and weren’t honest or ethical or moral in some aspect of life. Sometimes when we’re in the midst of a stressful trying experience in our life we may find it easier to get past the shameful way we behaved by burying it in the back of our mind and let the passage of time wipe away the memory. 

Our senior years aren’t just about trips to casinos and sleeping until noon. We also go through a period of reviewing our life and celebrating the joys and successes we’ve had and shared.  In being honest with ourself, we can’t just rejoice in the good, we also have to review the times when we were the one doing wrong and how our actions hurt and damaged other people in our life.

This is hard to think about but as a mature senior adult, now is the time to decide if you are going to make that situation right or not. We want to face our senior years with a happy heart and a mind that is peaceful so to do that we need to make sure our affairs are in order. Many older people that I have known in my lifetime have tried to make amends.

I’m not sure if they are afraid of what is on the otherside or they don’t want to go to the grave knowing they didn’t do all they could to be the quality person they set out to be until they do what they can to fix the things that they broke as well. In many cases, all that we have to do to resolve a mistake we made or to fix a broken relationship is to be prepared to say the two hardest words there are in the English language.  And those words are – I’m sorry.  

How in the world do people run out of words to string together and have absolutely nothing to converse about? I think a lot of things, but at times I simply have no way to express what I’m thinking or how I feel and just feel numb to everything because words just don’t seem to convey anything.

Can you imagine though if we still lived in an age where words weren’t formed and no one understood spoken words and all we did was grunt and make weird sounds. It’s truly amazing how far this world has come and how advanced we are and will be and how much quicker everything comes to pass.

Yesterday I was at my sister-in-laws funeral so I really didn’t get a chance to finish this post because to tell you the truth I had forgotten I had even started this line of thought the other night about words. I normally hate funerals because I do not know how to comfort people with words.

Yesterday I saw that sometimes words aren’t necessary and that just being present and giving a hug is enough to let people know you care. People say that words can’t hurt, but I have learned over the years that they can be deadly to your heart and self esteem and if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.

We had a great day with the family Sunday even though I was worried about my brother. His wife passed over on Friday, she had been sick for quite a while, but even though you’re expecting the end, when it actually happens it’s a shock. The older I get the more often I see my friends and family passing. I am really tired of funerals because I’m not good at comforting those that are left behind.

Bill thinks I’m strange because I don’t view death as an end, I view it as a beginning and who really knows, it really could be the best thing that ever happens to humans. Okay so I guess you think I’m strange also, that’s nothing new for me, I’m  quite use to that opinion. Bill also knows I have no desire for any type of viewing or service and I want to be cremated.

I need to hurry and get through menopause so I can enjoy the rest of my life, I feel like it has been with me forever and if I wasn’t depressed I am now. I really never thought of myself as being a depressed type person, but I was told I was, by therapist at a clinic and she put me on antidepressants that almost drove me nuts. I simply couldn’t do them, they made me so angry and mean all the time.

They then put me on something called Neurontin which is used for seizures and back pain, but it worked for my menopause and headaches for awhile, but I stopped taking that medication also because I simply don’t like taking pills. Now I’m on my own and all things considered I don’t think I have been as horrible as I hear some people are.

I do tend to stay away from crowds of people as much as possible encase I’m more weird than what I think. I’d sure hate to go ballistic on anyone especially since I quit smoking and yes I had to use a drug called Chantix to stop, but was only able to use the first two packs of the starter pack because it gave me such bad headaches. I have been doing pretty good though, but I still have urges.

I do count all the blessings that I have seen in my life and appreciate all the good things that have happened for and to me. I am very grateful that I have experienced love and friendship and children and grandchildren and I’m really looking forward to Bill’s retirement so we can spend more time together, of course after a few months I may wish him back at work.

I would really want people to appreciate that I had the chance to experience life and be happy for me when I pass on and not be sad, if anyone’s left that is. Sometimes I wonder if it’s easier to die than to live.