I don’t think I’m a prude, but maybe I am about some things, I have always been modest as far as being able to undress in front of anyone even when I was young going to school. I have never been able to walk around nude in front of anyone so the thought of ever joining a nudist colony or going to a nude beach cracks me up although it doesn’t bother me to see other people nude. I don’t recall ever seeing my Mother or Father nude or even in the same bed except once.

When I was small my Mother slept with me and my daddy had his own room because he was sick so I didn’t understand that mommy and daddy’s slept together. One night I woke up and searched all over the house for my mom and the last place I looked was the ogre’s room because that’s how I thought of him because he was mean. I remember cracking the door and asking if my mommy was in there and she was so I went to the bed and took her hand and told her to come back to bed.

Of course at that age of my life I had no clue what they were doing, I just thought it strange that she was in his bed and not ours. I don’t recall ever seeing much affection between them or even any from him to his children. He was more prone to throw things because he was paralyzed and miserable and he would always shout and rant. I can see how I may have been preconditioned to think some of the things I do now. When I remember some of those things it makes me sad because she was only 45 when she died.

Older people do have sex it’s a simple fact of life and can actually occur until they both lose interest, but young people avoid thinking of their parents as sexual beings and think it’s gross for old people to grope (Slang To handle or fondle for sexual pleasure) and we as parents definitely don’t want to see our children doing it. I actually think all groping in public is gross whether they are young or old some things are just meant to be private. There is no way I would ever lay a lip lock on Bill in front of anyone.

I see nothing wrong with holding hands or an arm around the shoulder or even a peck on the cheek, but some of the public displays I’ve seen in the past years on public streets and parks are down right disgusting. Public displays between gay or lesbian partners are also on the rise and even though most people are blasé about it there is still a sense of taboo and most people even though tolerant really don’t want their children seeing it. 

Live and let live, what people do in the privacy of their home bothers me not, but when it becomes a public display then I get uncomfortable, so maybe I am a public display groping prude.

When I was 10 years old I copied the quote I have listed below from Socrates’ Apology into the back of my bible and it has always helped me. I don’t even remember where I found the quote way back then, but it simply made sense to me then and even now. I don’t fear dying for myself or for my son I simply don’t want him to go before I do.

I sincerely thank all of you for the support and prayers they have been much appreciated. I apologise for my hateful post last might, but it made me feel better just putting the words out there in the universe. No one likes to think about dying, but most of us have had to face it at various times in our lives with friends and loved ones and the tragedies that occur.

 ‘To fear death, gentlemen, is no other than to think oneself wise when one is not, to think one knows what one does not know. No one knows whether death may not be the greatest of all blessings for a man, yet men fear it as if they knew that it is the greatest of evils. And surely it is the most blameworthy ignorance to believe that one knows what one does not know.’

I have talked about death many times in the past I guess because I seem to have seen a lot of it. I am dealing with this present situation very well under the circumstances and now I am determined to stop grieving for what could have been and simply remember that I sometimes got to share some happy experiences with another living soul who just happens to be my son.

I have already told you many of my life experiences and you know all about my son and the cancer he is facing and if you read the blog you know about his recent emergency gallbladder procedure last week and we were hoping for a relief for him. I was told that the surgery went well and hopefully he was going home the next day if he could eat and drink.

Apparently when they did the surgery a piece broke off even though it was laparoscopic and is now in his blood stream. It took till Thursday of last week to find out that the doctors advised my daughter-in-law to call hospice and now give him 6 months instead of the hopeful 2 years we were expecting. All of his counts were down including his white cells that kept him from his chemo.

His biological Father actually went to visit him in the hospital and he was nice enough to call me afterwards which my son didn’t bother to inform me about even though I knew it was going to happen, but not when. This was the first time he has met this person, his actual Father so I’m sure it was traumatic, but not any more than it was for me.

I was informed that my son actually was putting me down to this man that had never wanted us, but I was impressed that Andy actually took up for me and told my son that regardless of how he felt about me I was his Mother and deserved his respect just because I was his Mother, now wasn’t that cool coming from some sperm donor that never gave a shit?

Andy also told me that my son didn’t think much of my mental acumen and he stood up for me and told my son that I had always been smart, but I was lazy and just never applied myself, Damn what else could I ask for from some jerk that I let off the hook that never gave a shit about me or our son? God I’m blessed and now because “MY” son is dying he is going to lend himself  for a freaking DNA test.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter, but I am, my son is 38, long damn time for Andy to be the freaking hero all of a sudden and I’m a piece of crap. I did my best at 16 and I dearly love my son, but we had a rough time for many years living with a man that abused us both and it took me 10 years to get away from him, okay I don’t want to go there so I’ll put a dot at this sentence.

I found myself begging for prayers last Thursday in the EC forum when I found out they were suggesting hospice and 6 months or less of life and I really appreciated the responses and the good energy that was sent even though I feel hateful at this moment I want to return the good energy and love and prayers and I really do appreciate all thoughts for my son.

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