I found myself thinking about a post I wrote recently and apologized for sounding bitter and then said I was, but that wasn’t true. I am not bitter and I forgave any bad feelings I had for anyone many years ago. There are too many blessings in my life to feel bitterness, maybe angry at circumstances sometimes, but nothing that would embitter me for long and hold me captive.

I am grateful that I was able to experience life with all of the ups and downs and I appreciate all the people that have been in my life whether good or bad influences I learned something from each and everyone of them and hopefully I imparted something to them they could use. I am not normally a negative person and always try to find the good over the bad.

I talked to my son last night and he gave me the updates, he just got out of the hospital again with a temporary pain pump because they found tumors on his lower spine so Monday they are going to embed a permanent pain pump that is computerized to send meds directly to the lower spine every hour so he can function and then he will start radiation for the tumors on the 17th for 10 days.

He is in good spirits because they didn’t find any tumors in his neck or brain and they told him it was stable right now, meaning that while it isn’t shrinking it isn’t growing either. After the radiation next month he will have chemo again for the tumors in his liver. He is very strong in spirit and he appreciates all the prayers. He told me he isn’t afraid of dying because he lived his life the way he wanted to.

He wants as much time as possible though to watch his baby grow and Ethan is now 3 months old. He told me he was worried about the crossing over part and what happens in that last breath and all I could tell him was what I experienced with my own Mother and Father and how I felt it will be. Neither of them was afraid and you could actually see and hear the peace and that they were ready to leave this reality.

I have mentioned before, I was young when they died, but it always had a very profound effect knowing that there was no fear. I don’t want to know when I might draw that last breath unlike my son he has always wanted to know every detail so he can be prepared, but no one can know when that might be unless they choose to take their own life, which sadly happens often.

I don’t want to end this on a sad note so I’ll leave you with the Serenity Prayer which I’m sure we all know well.

God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.