Bill and I thought Eric would be dressed in the suit he loved so much, but instead they chose denim bib’s. I was informed that it was his choice because he loved his bib’s. I use to dress him in bib’s as a child and I guess it stuck with him. They also had Ethan dressed in the bib’s I took down for him back in July and it was nice to see that Ethan also loves his little blankie I gave him, he loves to hold it. It’s nice to think that part of my Son lives on through Ethan, but I hope he wont have my Son’s temperament or his bipolar.

The small photo below Eric and I had made in one of those little booths and has been with me for 36 years and you can see that it’s pretty worn away because I always carried it around wherever I went. Bill placed it in Eric’s pocket for me because I wanted it to go with him. They also placed the cross I got him back in July when we found out he had cancer inside the coffin because he loved it. I could not watch my Son be lowered into the ground so I stayed in the Jeep till it was over.

I am doing fine and I’m dealing with my emotions very well. I have 6 calls from Eric on my answering machine which I wouldn’t let Bill erase because I never want to forget his voice. I don’t play them all the time, but occasionally I’ll go in and listen to his voice and no I don’t think that’s morbid. Several of the calls I would wait till he left a message then I would call him back because I knew in my heart I wouldn’t be able to talk to him at some point and I would still need to hear his voice.

Bill has taken the rest of the week off from work because we are still sick and run down. I think this has been the nastiest cold or flu that we have ever had and he even had a flu shot. I only held Ethan once and I made sure I had a mask on because I didn’t want him to get sick. I hope when they come up in two weeks I will be well so I can smother him with kisses. Unless Chris decides to move back to Lancaster with her family I know I wont be in Ethan’s life very much.

I have no clue what her plans are because she doesn’t confide in me and as long as Eric was alive he kept me informed the best he could, but when he was tired he would make her talk to me. I have never done anything to the girl nor do I interfere, do all daughter-in-laws have a problem with their husbands’ Mother’s? I always remember that old saying because it’s so true, ” A son is a Son until he takes a wife, but a Daughter is a Daughter all her life.” I’m his Mother, but I was made to feel like it was some damn competition. I simply don’t understand somethings.

I feel hateful saying this, but I hope Ethan marries someone just like his Mother so she can feel what she has made me feel, but of course it will be different when the same thing happens to her and I seriously doubt she will even make a connection because it will be all about her.