I realize I didn’t really give much history of the events leading to my disastrous marriage so I’m adding this post before I finish with the rest of my story. When I was at the orphanage I formed a bond with a young boy there because Doc encouraged it and approved of this young man, his name was Andy. Of course we weren’t allowed to be alone with boys or to date until we were 18, but when we would have group activities we always paired up, but no hanky panky was allowed. He was my first love.
I often wished that I had never left the orphanage in 68 to live with my brother because things might have turned out differently. There were problems with my brother’s wife and I was unhappy even though I had craved love and living with family. In 69 when the riots were in full force in York my brother let me go to Tennessee to visit our other brother and of course Doc and Andy picked me up at the bus station. I was just turning 16.
Looking back I realize how naive I was and how hungry I was for love and how much I loved this young man. When he asked me to marry him I was shocked and elated and actually believed he loved me. We managed to find time alone and of course the inevitable happened and I was happy because we were going to get married, how stupid I was. I got pregnant, no protection and later found out that was what guys did to get you into bed.
He didn’t want us, but I wanted my baby and even though I was told to give Eric up I refused because finally I would have someone to love me and I could love that was all my own or so I thought. That is what lead to my disastrous marriage in 1970. I knew Doc had special feelings for myself and Andy and Doc even offered to marry me to give Eric a legal name, but I was horrified at that prospect and couldn’t envision being married to an old man even though he said it would be in name only.
If I had known what was going to happen within the next ten years I would have gladly snatched that life line with both hands. Doc did stand by me and tried to help me out with a little money here and there I know he was trying to make up for Andy’s desertion, but it wasn’t his place. As mentioned before he tried to talk me out of the marriage with Tommy, but I wouldn’t listen. Doc still stood by me and Eric eventually called him Pawpaw.
This post was just to give a little history of Eric’s blood Father and the man I had loved for so many years and whom I had measured other men by until I met Bill when I was 50 and then there was no comparison. Of course over the years I had somehow turned Andy into a saint and I always took the blame for him not wanting us. I decided I simply hadn’t been good enough. I tried to get Eric and Andy together in later years, but it didn’t happen until last year, a few months before his death. When I buried my Son I also buried Andy.
To be continued….
My Life/The Beginning Of 10 Years Of Hell
My Life/Part2
I did get married in 1970 and we stayed with my sister for 2 weeks until Tommy lost his job and he was still nice, but he decided to move us to the mountain with his Mother, he said it would be easier there. Doc drove us up and I was shocked at the living conditions, it was a 2 room shack with no amenities what so ever. There was an outhouse with creepy crawlies and no running water inside the shack, you had to trek down to the spring and carry it back until they put in a pump outside.
There was a wood burning stove for heat and a wood-burning stove for cooking and holes in the floor and it was so cold and drafty and we didn’t get electricity inside till much later. It was very primitive and I cried because I had never had to live in such conditions before and didn’t know that people were so poor. Thinking about my stupidity and the mess I had brought my baby into was heartbreaking. There was 2 double beds in the one room and Tommy promptly made it very clear that my Son would share one with his Mother.
I felt like he was trying to take my Son away from me right from the start. I was allowed very little alone time with my baby. I didn’t know at the time that he had been married before and had 2 Sons from that marriage and he wasn’t allowed to see them. I found out many other things that I should have known from the start, but as he told me later he was afraid I wouldn’t have married him and the only reason he had married me was because he wanted my Son. He was like a Jekyll and Hyde and for a month and a half I had only seen the nice side.
The second night after the move he decided we were going to visit his best friend and his wife to introduce me. I had always been a friendly person and liked to meet new people so that was a fun idea until after the visit and we were walking home. That’s when the jealous side came out which I had never seen till this point. He started calling me horrible names and accusing me of wanting to sleep with both of these people, what a horrible twisted mind. As if the verbal abuse wasn’t bad enough he then proceeded to beat the crap out of me.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. No one had ever done anything like this to me before and I felt like I must be a horrible person for someone to beat me up with so much hate and violence. Of course afterwards he apologised and told me he was sorry and that I would have to learn to control myself around other people and not be so friendly. I didn’t do anything except make conversation and I certainly wasn’t flirty. He wanted to have sex when we went to bed and of course I didn’t want to because of the beating so he started kicking me and hitting me again.
That was the beginning of my fear and Hell, but just for myself at first….To be continued
My Life Part 1
My first marriage occurred right after I turned 17 and he was almost 10 years older than myself. I was living with my sister at the time with a 6 month old baby and I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do, I was desperate. Giving up my baby had never been an option in my mind and I’m sure it was very selfish on my part to keep him, he told me years later that he was glad I hadn’t given him away.
I tried to find a job, but couldn’t and I didn’t know about welfare so I was desperate. I met this man when my sister and I were at the local teenage drive-in hangout spot. I wasn’t attracted to him, but he was so very nice and he seemed to like my baby and I didn’t want my baby to grow up without a Father and be called a bastard so after a month he asked us to marry him.
He had been so nice during that month that I had convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, this was in 1970 and being that desperate of mind I convinced myself it was the right thing for my Eric. I thought this man would love and protect us from the world. I wasn’t experienced enough where men were concerned to look at the big picture and ask why a 27 year old man wanted a teenager with a baby.
I had to have someone sign for me even though we got married in Georgia and the age limit was lower there. The person I said was my guardian actually wasn’t, but they accepted his signature. I had met this older person when I was in an orphanage for 4 years and he was the study hall teacher and I had a lot of respect for him. He would make me learn a new word everyday and how to use it and would grill me daily on the usage.
I was in this orphanage for 4 years from 1964-1968 when I went to live with my brother and his wife in PA from Tennessee and I wish I had known how drastically my life would change. Doc was the nickname everyone called this older gentleman that basically became my mentor for those 4 years and even afterwards until his death. He apparently could read a mans character and I couldn’t and tried to talk me out of the marriage, but I was stubborn….To be continued.
Snippet Of Code To Automatically Detect Feed
A while back I noticed my feed wasn’t being picked up at Entrecard and then I noticed when I would leave comments on blogs that had comment luv that program also couldn’t find my feed. So I simply added this piece of code <link rel=”alternate” type=”application/rss+xml” title=”RSS Feed for jude8753.com”
href=”/rss/” /> in my header and now it works. Just thought I’d share that with you guys encase you have noticed your feed isn’t being automatically found. Of course you would change your site for mine, at any rate it works now.
Give Away Of The Day
You can get free software programs at Give Away Of The Day and they are adware/spyware free. They have something different everyday and they tell you how much time there is left before it changes to the next one and then if you didn’t take advantage that’s it. I’ve downloaded many programs over the past few years and I always like to check to see if they have anything I can use. There are so many great sites out there that give things away, but I lost my list a while back, I happened to have Give Away Of The Day on one of my old posts so at least I didn’t lose that one.
Howie Mandel
I see the commercials that Howie Mandel does for buy.com and if you haven’t seen any of them you can view them on YouTube. I think Howie is funny and even liked him when he had hair, but I think I like the shaved look better. Because of all the exposure from the commercials I now check them out also when I’m looking for a sale on something I need because I like to comparison shop before I buy. I did see the commercial that was supposed to be banned of Howie as the personal trainer because of sexual overtones and agreed that it should only be shown after 9 when children were in bed.
Google page rank is always a great anticipation like getting a report card telling us how well we did, I always hated report cards, they suck.
All of my websites at one point did quite well until I bought hosting at Bluehost and since they all share the same IP I have found that they lost pr over the years. I also really haven’t tried for backlinks because I’m lazy and don’t like rejection. I was going to drop 3 of my domains, but I forgot I had it on auto renew and GoDaddy snatched it out of PayPal before I could let them lapse this year. They all had 3 and 4 pr’s before I moved them, I’m talking about regular websites not blogs.
I lost the PR on this blog during the last weekend of February and I noticed many others that I drop on had also and was very surprised. I’m surprised more people haven’t said any thing on their blogs or maybe they really haven’t noticed. Actually PR isn’t as important as many people think and I am so surprised that we even give Google the right to judge us for anything considering how they want to corner the market on paid links plus all of the up and coming online businesses, don’t they own everything now?
Why do we give other people and companies the right to make us feel bad or like we are freaking criminals because we don’t conform to the norm and try to make money in ways they may not like? What right do other people have to put us down? Actually I was reading the forum last week and found out someone took issue with the blogs in “The Women’s Interests” category. I read what was said, but had to laugh because everyone rants about something and didn’t really take offence for myself since I am in that category.
Why did we ever give anyone the right to tell us what we are allowed to do with our websites and blogs and to judge us? Why in the world did we make Google so important? Of course we love using all those great free tools and programs that help us, but damn it why do we give them the right to run everything? Are we like little kids waiting for approval from the parent or God that knows everything? Well, yes we are and we wait with anticipation to see what our judgement is going to be and hoping it will be a pat on the head.
