I am so glad I didn’t listen to people when they told me things like “If you truly love your friend, end his suffering peacefully and cherish his memory forever.” because I would have missed seeing my old friend walk and poop again on his own and enjoy all the sniffing he so loves and I would have questioned if I had made the right choice till the day I died. If I had thought he was in constant pain I may have considered helping him out, but he wasn’t. He’s been alert and bright and at times a royal pain in the butt because he wanted company.

I am also glad I didn’t try the Dr. Franks Pet Pain Spray because I would be praising that stuff to everyone instead of giving the praise to God and Shadow’s will to walk again, funny how things work out. To us this is a miracle because when he first got hurt the Vet gave him a shot and put him on steroids for a period of time. Shadow didn’t even try to move and the Vet said he would probably never walk again, but we still believed we would one day see a miracle. It hasn’t been easy taking care of a handicapped dog, but it’s been well worth it to see him walk again.

It has been 9 months of taking care of our beloved Shadow and when he started flip flopping over by himself instead of me having to switch sides for him we knew he was getting stronger. He can’t get up all by himself, but when we help him with the belly sling go out he walks around a little bit in the yard and even poops on his own now, we’re so proud of him and his strong will. Of course he gets tired and has to plop down in the grass and rest awhile, but when the ducks next door start up he’s raring to go again, it makes my heart feel light.

The only problem now is I took all the fences down and now he can get at my bushes and plants so when I plant my garden next year I will have to fence it off again, but I have at least found something great to solve another problem. I have recently ran into the perfect way to make sure my garden or plants are watered perfectly and it’s called Ooze Tube Vegetable Drip Watering. Now how great is that? Next year when we take our vacation instead of bothering the neighbor or family to come over and water my tomatoes and plants or whatever else I decide to plant and grow all I have to do is set this up and we’re good to go.

In some of the photo’s below you can see how the steroids and Glucosamine turned his white coat brown where he urinated and no amount of washing helped, but since he is doing his business outside now, I’ll work on that later. I had even stopped the Glucosmine for all that time because I didn’t see that it was working, but I have now started giving it to him again and hope it will help build his stamina. Just seeing him move around at all is a joy. He now goes out at least 3 times a day and seems to get a little stronger each time, but it’s tiring. He still likes to lift his leg and water my plants.

56 always seemed ancient to me and truthfully I never thought I would live this long, but now that I’m here it doesn’t seem so old and regardless of how I may sound at times on this blog I’m grateful for every year. I had my Son at a young age so he more or less defined in my mind who and what I was. I went through the empty nest syndrome many years ago when he left home and became his own person, but he was still a part of my life. Now that he has passed away and I can no longer touch him or talk to him at times my life seems pointless. I’m not having a pity party just stating a fact and blogging my feelings to strangers helps somehow.

Bill has been here supporting me letting me know how important I am to him and making me feel loved and I really appreciate that, but it’s like my life has been snatched away. Even though I face one day at a time  and even find joy in many things and celebrate my Son’s life that I was able to share for 39 years I feel empty, it’s like the Sun was snatched away and it’s dark all the time except for the dim moonlight that filters around me occasionally lighting a path. I read about other peoples lives and I know many that have faced and are facing many tragic circumstances and my heart goes out to them, but I know all I can offer is sympathy and many don’t even want that..

I’ve experienced many things in my life some good, some bad and I have to say the best was when my Son was born and the worse was when he died although there were lots of ups and downs with him. I never thought my Son would go before me because he was hardly ever sick. I read a lot of the younger generations’ blogs and notice that most of them are just as sickly as we the older generation. They’re always talking about how they don’t want to get old and sick and in the next sentence they’re complaining about all their aches and pains, headaches, and whatever virus they have picked up.

I personally intend to start traveling again  sometime soon when Bill retires. Some years back I revisited some of the places I had traveled when I was younger that made me happy and one of the area’s was where we were having a reunion and I did some exploring as a grown up. There are many places to eat, but we were looking for a great experience to remember. We did a search for  San Diego fine dining banquet rooms- – - and came up with Trattoria Acqua located in La Jolla so if you want an experience to remember be sure to check them out. Hopefully when Bill retires I can take him there because he loves Italian cuisine.

I’m hoping I will be in good enough shape to travel when we get older, but of course aging brings with it many problems that the young as a rule don’t have to contend with. There are always exceptions, each age group has it’s own pros and cons and I’ve liked most of my years and the only thing I’ve actually learned is  no age is exempt from dying. Personally I  prefer the age range I’m in now I just wish I didn’t feel so empty and redefining myself and purpose to myself is not easy. I know I’ll be fine and I know Bill and I will get to see some of the world before we are unable and I can’t wait.

Last year I bought a brick for Bill for Christmas, not just any old brick this one is for the Vietnam Veteran Memorial and it will be located right inside the York Fairground gate on a small corner spot. We stopped over on Monday to see how far along they were because the dedication is October the 3rd. They have all the material there except the actual sculptured monument which will have all the names of the fallen from our surrounding area engraved on it. They did have the base for the monument, but that was it.

I saw the banded bricks with the names and rank and depending on how you served a certain color star engraved on the bricks. This has been a long time coming to honor these veterans which I wont get on my soap box about, but Bill was very touched that I had thought to do this for him. At any rate the Fair starts today and I was surprised more vendors weren’t here and setting up. There were only a few trucks there and not one ride was being assembled.

Our Fair lasts for 10 days, but there has been much grumbling the last few years about attendance being down and no one was making any money that many said they wouldn’t be back this year. I think the price to get in this year is 6 bucks, but they do have special days and tomorrow is free for Veterans, but we probably wont go till next week. I live like 3 blocks from the grounds and it use to be I could sit on my balcony and hear all of the musical acts, but they now have it muted.

The people that park people in their yards usually make out pretty good during those 10 days.I’m sure the workers will have a mess going if they’re planning on working during the Fair, but they need to get a move on because I’m anxious to see Bill’s brick and so is he. Well, have a great weekend and I hope the header I finally chose isn’t too much of a distraction, but it kind of reminded me of my life and the old thyme Mom and Pop stores from my youth which I loved and now they can’t afford to stay in business, too bad.

I just looked at the line up and saw David Cook from American Idol will be here August the 18th and I really liked the kid and wanted him to win, but I wont be going to see him. I  might hear him for free can’t afford 35 dollars, Kelly Clarkson opened our Fair last night, but I didn’t hear her of course I was taking a nap when she was there.

I think the majority of people want the same things out of life, listed in no particular order of importance as I see them, happiness, love, acceptance and true friends, respect, security, money, nice home and loving family with partner and kids, power, knowledge and enlightenment, world peace and unity, abundance for all, enough time to do everything they desire, adventure, no sickness or getting old after a certain age, and I’m sure I could name more, but those seem to be enough. Everyone wants a Utopian world and society the only thing is not everyone thinks the same and as far as I can see it just “ain’t” gonna happen.

If we’re lucky or maybe luck has nothing to do with anything we may be able to check off a few of the things on my list, but certainly not all. Even those that seem like they have it all are often unhappy. We may be happy at certain points in our life, but for some reason staying in that state through out a lifetime seems very illusive for we humans. It reminds me of an episode of Twilight Zone where the gambler dies and he thinks winning is everything and that he would be happy to win all the time so they send him to his destination and the man simply can’t lose, no matter what game of chance he undertakes. He gets bored and tells the gatekeeper that he’s tired of Heaven and would like to go to Hell now. The gatekeeper looks at him and tells him this is Hell.

What’s my point? Even if we achieved everything we thought we wanted would it be enough? I don’t think so, is happiness just an illusion?

“Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.”

I always liked the above quote, too bad there is no one to attribute it to.