We were up early yesterday morning and I spent some time reflecting on my life and how grateful I am for everything in it. I at least had my Son for almost 39 years and now have a wonderful little grandson even though I don’t get to see him much because of the distance and I have lots of memories that many don’t.

We babysat Bill’s two grandbabies while daddy went to church and then to the hospital to pick up Jodi. We are all grateful that Jodi pulled through because the doctor said she was very lucky, if the ectopic pregnancy had been an inch lower when it ruptured it would have busted a certain vein and she would have died.

I was so grateful to see her pretty little face and to know she would be able to spend Mother’s Day with her two children even though she can’t lift her baby at all for several weeks. We were very saddened to know that she lost a baby that apparently they had wanted, but I’m thanking God for sparing her life. We thought they weren’t going to have anymore so we were surprised.

I’m grateful that Bill didn’t have to suffer losing his little girl, she’s 38, but she’s still daddy’s little girl. We then stopped by Walmart and I picked up some pretty weeds to plant so Bill went to the grocery store while I happily planted and then we went for a bike ride and I enjoyed looking at God’s country and felt quite peaceful, before going home we stopped to visit his Mother’s resting place.

I think this will be the roughest year for me, but I now know because of all the things I’m grateful for and the love of God I’ll be fine and he will give me many more things to be grateful for. Thanks so much for the thoughts and hugs they also helped.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste and today mine feels like it’s atrophied, believe me that’s not a very good feeling. My mind feels totally blank, usually I have something going on up there, but today I can’t even find a subject that is bothering me or I need an answer for, I just feel blah. Maybe it’s because of Easter and it’s raining today and I’ve been looking at Eric’s baby pictures and remembering how excited he always was during holidays.

It’s been almost 4 months since he passed away and if it hadn’t been for blogging and keeping my mind occupied I’m not sure where my misery might have taken me. It almost feels like I have been sleep walking and everything seems like a dream. In my office I have his pictures all around me, no it’s not like a shrine or anything they just seem to comfort me and give me strength to go another day in this reality. I take comfort in knowing his soul is safe, but I miss him.

Eric 2 months old:

Most of my life there was no one I could depend on except myself and I was always able to maintain and talk to people and get things done, but now it seems like I’m forgetting how to do things or I’m afraid to do things without Bill. When we go out he does all the driving now because people scare me the way they drive and of course I scare him with mine, he’s not a good passenger. I’m amazed that I was even able to drive to Kentucky by myself and back last year because I really hate to drive any more.

Yesterday I had to drive across town to get my tax forms by myself and 2 vehicles almost caused me to wreck because of their impatience to get some where. I can’t believe people have so little regard about sideswiping someone and causing injury to others, no wonder I hate driving now and prefer staying at home. I have created a safety comfort zone which I hate leaving now and when I need to I stress myself out maybe it’s just my age kicking in because I use to be more daring.

I don’t understand things any more either, like when I got to the IRS building they had tons of forms and I couldn’t figure out the ones I needed to file my 1099 misc. H&R Block did them last year for 217 dollars which was ridiculous so I plan on doing my own this year. So I went inside to ask, there were 2 counter windows and no one else was there, but me. The lady that wasn’t busy I walked up to and she was very abrupt and told me to go back to the door I had just entered and get a ticket.

So I did as I was told and punched the forms button and a ticket came out number 112 and she made me stand there and wait a couple minutes before she called my number, how rude. She was doing nothing but laughing with another co-worker while the other lady at the other counter was working. When she finally called me up she then asked what she could do for me. I nicely asked my question about which forms I needed to fill out my self employment taxes even though I was by then fuming inside.

She actually made me repeat my question and had no clue what I was talking about. She got up and headed to the back and the lady that was busy asked her if she knew what I wanted and she admitted that she had no idea so the busy lady explained it to her. She then came around the counter went to where the forms were and picked them out for me and practically shoved me out the door. I couldn’t believe how rude and ignorant this woman was and that she was allowed to work there.

By the time I finally got home I was a nervous wreck because of her and the 2 almost collisions. I really must start getting out more by myself so I can get use to being around people again without Bill because I’m starting to forget how to interact with the outside world. Up until 6 years ago I was a capable person and always managed to take care of myself and others and always paid my own way. When I met Bill he made it too easy for me to withdraw from responsibilities and be dependant on him, in other words he takes care of everything.

Bill is addicted to infomercials and products that he sees advertised I think that I mentioned that before. One year I got him the Magic Bullet and he made a few milk shakes with it and now it’s no longer in use. For his birthday he mentioned he wanted the NuWave and for 2 weeks he wanted to cook everything on it, which he did and now it’s no longer in use. For Christmas we got Jack Lalanne’s power juicer and we have used it once and now it just sits there.

All of these things he watched over and over on infomercials and thought how cool they were and had to have them, but then for whatever reason when we get them they don’t always work the same. I use to do the same thing with the products at the fair when they would have demonstrations all that stuff looked so cool and so easy to use that I always whipped out the credit card and bought everything. When I would try to use the products like I had seen them do they simply didn’t produce the same results.

Nothing ever comes out looking like the food stuff shown on television and those product demonstrations that I see with my own eyes never work for me. I simply don’t get it do these people go to school to learn how to dupe people or is it just me? Why do these things work for some and not everyone? Kind of reminds me of those old gambling games they use to have at the fair, but are now banned. Those guys made winning look so easy and of course being the idiot that I was I always had to try for myself, guess what? I no longer fall for any of that stuff.

I have gotten to the point that I actually spend very little any more, no wonder we are having a recession I stopped spending.