I really appreciate all the concern and comments on the last few posts, but I am finding that writing about those 10 years between 17 and 27 are bringing back a lot of horrid memories that I had really banked down and covered up. I thought at first if I could get it all out there I could totally purge it and let it go once and for all, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I’ve worked very hard over the years to forgive and I sometimes mouth the words out loud that I forgave that man for everything he has done, but I’m not quite sure I really believe it.
I’ll give a short synopsis, The first 2 years were the lowest I’ve ever been in my life and to this day I still haven’t decided if mental abuse is worse than physical at any rate I endured both and Eric basically got the mental abuse when he was older and a slap when I paid to much attention to him. During those 2 years I learned to hide in the other room when any people were around. I started agreeing with everything he said or did and more or less became a slave and still I would get abused and I never fought back because I was afraid.
I wanted to die and I tried taking 90 sinutabs, but all that did was make me sleep for several days and throw up and that’s when I got pissed at how weak minded I had become and started fighting back. I remember telling him when he busted my eardrum, come on you SOB either you die or I do and either way I’ll get relief. The 3rd year we moved back to Chattanooga where I worked to support the 3 of us on waitress pay for the next 7 years and by then my Son had become totally conditioned to Tommy’s way of thinking.
Someone drove Tommy to the mountains for a week because he couldn’t drive and when I caught my Son calling him and giving him a detailed report about my comings and goings I finally got the courage to grab up all of mine and Eric’s stuff and load my car which I had managed to get with Doc’s help and got in touch with the lady I had worked for and told her what I was finally doing she was so happy and gladly gave me my check and severance pay so I could get away. She and the girls I worked with had been encouraging me for 3 years to leave, but I was afraid.
They didn’t like the bruises I usually sported, but didn’t know how to help me back then. I called my brother and asked him if he could put me up till I got a job and apartment and he said yes and I was finally free. I didn’t find out till much later that my brother’s wife had been talking to Tommy and tried to get him to come to PA and that she could patch things up, what a snake it had taken me 10 years to escape. I would probably have killed him in desperation if he had showed up. At any rate I didn’t want to leave anyone hanging over my final escape.
His brother and niece told me at Eric’s funeral that he lives alone with all of his cats and never leaves and when the cats die he puts them in his freezer with his food and one of the relatives tries to help him dispose of them when he can. Tommy never had anything good to say about anybody or anything and now all he talks about is Armageddon and he’s afraid to go outside. He use to tell me he couldn’t wait till we died so he could find out all the evil things I had ever done and thought. Okay time to try the forgiveness thing again.
My Life/The Beginning Of 10 Years Of Hell
My Life/Part2
My Baby’s Father
I did get married in 1970 and we stayed with my sister for 2 weeks until Tommy lost his job and he was still nice, but he decided to move us to the mountain with his Mother, he said it would be easier there. Doc drove us up and I was shocked at the living conditions, it was a 2 room shack with no amenities what so ever. There was an outhouse with creepy crawlies and no running water inside the shack, you had to trek down to the spring and carry it back until they put in a pump outside.
There was a wood burning stove for heat and a wood-burning stove for cooking and holes in the floor and it was so cold and drafty and we didn’t get electricity inside till much later. It was very primitive and I cried because I had never had to live in such conditions before and didn’t know that people were so poor. Thinking about my stupidity and the mess I had brought my baby into was heartbreaking. There was 2 double beds in the one room and Tommy promptly made it very clear that my Son would share one with his Mother.
I felt like he was trying to take my Son away from me right from the start. I was allowed very little alone time with my baby. I didn’t know at the time that he had been married before and had 2 Sons from that marriage and he wasn’t allowed to see them. I found out many other things that I should have known from the start, but as he told me later he was afraid I wouldn’t have married him and the only reason he had married me was because he wanted my Son. He was like a Jekyll and Hyde and for a month and a half I had only seen the nice side.
The second night after the move he decided we were going to visit his best friend and his wife to introduce me. I had always been a friendly person and liked to meet new people so that was a fun idea until after the visit and we were walking home. That’s when the jealous side came out which I had never seen till this point. He started calling me horrible names and accusing me of wanting to sleep with both of these people, what a horrible twisted mind. As if the verbal abuse wasn’t bad enough he then proceeded to beat the crap out of me.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. No one had ever done anything like this to me before and I felt like I must be a horrible person for someone to beat me up with so much hate and violence. Of course afterwards he apologised and told me he was sorry and that I would have to learn to control myself around other people and not be so friendly. I didn’t do anything except make conversation and I certainly wasn’t flirty. He wanted to have sex when we went to bed and of course I didn’t want to because of the beating so he started kicking me and hitting me again.
That was the beginning of my fear and Hell, but just for myself at first….To be continued
My Life Part 1
Snow and freezing temperatures can go away now, I’m simply tired of all the doom and gloom it makes me feel. Even though time goes by very quickly the older I get it seems like Spring and Summer will never get here. I really need a lift in spirit because I didn’t get to see Ethan this past weekend because they were sick. I certainly want to see him before she takes him back to Kentucky, we bought him a bigger car seat and if she doesn’t bring him by like she said she would I guess I’ll just take it back for a refund.
My Son always swore he was never getting married or have children, he did both before he left us. I really haven’t had a chance to get to know his wife, but always felt like something had to be wrong with her grasp of reality for marrying my Son. Don’t get me wrong I love my Son with all my heart, but he was my Son and I knew him well and loved him inspite of knowing what a cold person he could be and cruel as a human being. I have never been worried about his soul though because I know it is perfect and he’s fine.
He knew that I didn’t believe in the concept of Hell, but I’m not really sure what his thoughts were on the subject, however we both believed in a higher power or energy that we would eventually return to. He believed in prayer and good energy the same as I do and I never once heard him say the devil made him do anything, he did at least take credit for all of his actions and made it clear to anyone that would listen that he lived his life the way he wanted to good or bad and if someone didn’t like it so be it.
I miss the brat and it ticks me off no end that he left before me. When he was younger he cut me out of his life for 4 years and then decided I was getting old so he should make amends before I died. Pity that it was him instead of me he could at least have watched his Son grow. It really bites that I wont even get to watch Ethan myself unless this silly woman returns to live in PA. Oh, well, what will be will be, I do believe there is a reason for everything, but I want to know what it is right now.
I was ranting about how bad the kids are around my neighborhood a while back and we are forever reading about home invasions around the area which is pretty scary for anyone. You expect to hear all this stuff around big cities, but not small towns. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore where you live people are people and sooner or later something will touch your world and make you wonder what in the world is wrong with people in general not just our youth.
I wonder how many people actually check sexualoffenders.com to see if any perverts live near them. You might be surprised to actually see people you know listed there, I know I was. If you have children you owe it to them to make sure you know who is living down the street from them. No one knows when someone might snap, but we don’t have to make it easy for our children by buying them guns. I believe in the right to own a gun or shotgun for protection and hunting, but there needs to be an age limit.
Guns in the home should also be locked away because there have been way too many accidental shootings, we hear about them all the time and it’s really hard to understand how we can still let these things happen. Which brings me to the 11 year old PA boy that took his 20 gauge shotgun and shot his Father’s fiancee in the back of the head while she slept and killed her and her unborn child and then went to school where he was picked up.
This boy will be tried as an adult in PA. I’m sure everyone has heard of this case by now since it happened Feb. 21st, but it’s so hard to understand that a child could actually do something this horrendous and not be a total mental case. This was a small community and everyone knows everyone, how in the world can something like this happen? We are always shocked when things like this happen because we think we are at least safe in our homes.
Of course this child could have easily stabbed her or used a baseball bat, it’s the person not the weapon, but we don’t have to make it so easy. Scary world we live in.
No one likes to think about unpleasant things and most of us put off making wills until the last minute. Bill still doesn’t have one nor do I, but he’s been thinking a lot about it lately because of my Son’s death and the mess my DIL is finding herself in right now. For some odd reason he thought that everything would automatically go to his spouse even though he didn’t have her name on anything, but that isn’t proving to be the case and he didn’t even bother to give her power of attorney.
Of course he thought he had a couple of years to make everything okay, but none of us know when our time will be up and if we haven’t even made a will we make it very hard on our loved ones that are left behind. My Son had such big dreams and I’m sure if he had been given more time he would have made everything right. Apparently she has even had a hard time getting death certificates so she can file for Eric’s Social Security for herself and Ethan.
I found that hard to believe so I filed for his death certificate online on the 19th of Feb and I received it in the mail on the 23rd. I did see that the funeral home signed it on January 23rd and the doctor didn’t sign it till Feb. 4th. He died December 29th and was buried on the 2nd of Jan., why in the world would these people mess around for so long knowing that his family needed SS benefits to survive on till they figure out what they are doing? Makes no sense to me what so ever.
His SSI check was suppose to start Feb. 19th and he would have received back benefits from the time he filed. I am hoping that these 2 will at least be able to get things cleared up and at least receive a portion of that. She needs to make a list and start checking these things off one by one. First priority is getting Ethan’s birth certificate and getting his social security card, the death certificates so she can file, gathering up all titles, to the van, motorcycle, travel trailer and go see a lawyer and find out what she needs to do.
That’s what has Bill worried right now because he doesn’t want to leave me in the same mess if he should go before me and since we are life partners and not married I would have even less rights than DIL and commonwealth states have weird laws compared to others. He asked me to look up information online so I’ve been reading about revocable living trusts compared to a regular will that would have to go through probate and be subjected to inheritance tax and whatever else.
With the living trust he could make me 1st beneficiary and then his Daughter and Son 2nd and 3rd and it would go to them after my death, at least I would then have a roof over my head without worrying about living on the street. It’s not easy getting old and worrying about everything that goes along with it. Like I said no one knows when their time will be up and it’s not fair to leave without making sure we do everything to make it easier for those we leave behind.
