56 always seemed ancient to me and truthfully I never thought I would live this long, but now that I’m here it doesn’t seem so old and regardless of how I may sound at times on this blog I’m grateful for every year. I had my Son at a young age so he more or less defined in my mind who and what I was. I went through the empty nest syndrome many years ago when he left home and became his own person, but he was still a part of my life. Now that he has passed away and I can no longer touch him or talk to him at times my life seems pointless. I’m not having a pity party just stating a fact and blogging my feelings to strangers helps somehow.

Bill has been here supporting me letting me know how important I am to him and making me feel loved and I really appreciate that, but it’s like my life has been snatched away. Even though I face one day at a time  and even find joy in many things and celebrate my Son’s life that I was able to share for 39 years I feel empty, it’s like the Sun was snatched away and it’s dark all the time except for the dim moonlight that filters around me occasionally lighting a path. I read about other peoples lives and I know many that have faced and are facing many tragic circumstances and my heart goes out to them, but I know all I can offer is sympathy and many don’t even want that..

I’ve experienced many things in my life some good, some bad and I have to say the best was when my Son was born and the worse was when he died although there were lots of ups and downs with him. I never thought my Son would go before me because he was hardly ever sick. I read a lot of the younger generations’ blogs and notice that most of them are just as sickly as we the older generation. They’re always talking about how they don’t want to get old and sick and in the next sentence they’re complaining about all their aches and pains, headaches, and whatever virus they have picked up.

I personally intend to start traveling again  sometime soon when Bill retires. Some years back I revisited some of the places I had traveled when I was younger that made me happy and one of the area’s was where we were having a reunion and I did some exploring as a grown up. There are many places to eat, but we were looking for a great experience to remember. We did a search for  San Diego fine dining banquet rooms- – - and came up with Trattoria Acqua located in La Jolla so if you want an experience to remember be sure to check them out. Hopefully when Bill retires I can take him there because he loves Italian cuisine.

I’m hoping I will be in good enough shape to travel when we get older, but of course aging brings with it many problems that the young as a rule don’t have to contend with. There are always exceptions, each age group has it’s own pros and cons and I’ve liked most of my years and the only thing I’ve actually learned is  no age is exempt from dying. Personally I  prefer the age range I’m in now I just wish I didn’t feel so empty and redefining myself and purpose to myself is not easy. I know I’ll be fine and I know Bill and I will get to see some of the world before we are unable and I can’t wait.

Sometimes I think I would just like to forget everything. The last couple days we’ve been struggling here with Bill’s Diverticulitis, we went to the Dr. Monday finally and he’s been on antibiotics which are pretty strong. I can’t understand why his Dr. wants him back Wednesday, today because it’s only a couple days, doesn’t make sense to me, but what the heck do I know? I guess money plays a big part for everyone, 30 bucks a pop for 30 minutes or less can really add up. I recently noticed that sick people whine a lot.

The man can hardly stand, but he feels like he’s wasting his life and time by taking it easy. I really hope he retires soon so he can enjoy part of his life, but I don’t think he will. I have been struggling myself with making sense of everything going on in my life. My Shadow is finally flip flopping all over the place and is now trying to walk with a belly sling. I have had him outside 3 days in a row and he’s so proud of himself and so am I. So for those of you that said I should have put him down, —– —, he’s doing better and for those that said I would know when the time was right, Thank-you.

I’m struggling with keeping this blog going because nothing makes sense so I’m trying to spend all my credits from a program I’m involved with and then I’ll decide what I’m doing. I spend way too much time online and I know there are so many other things I should be doing. Just like in my real world people come and go and the same happens online I may see the same blog for months at a time, but then they disappear and I don’t even miss them until I see their blog again, just saying. Actually not sure what I’m saying.

I need to get my priorities and my mind straight , maybe I’ll just enjoy the senility and forget everything.

Adios Patrick We Love You.

Bill and I often get lost and a few weeks back was no exception when we were riding through the Gettysburg countryside on the trike and entered the square from a different angle we turned down the wrong road and I was very happy we did because I spotted the monster Weeping Blue Atlas below and almost jumped off the trike, but I didn’t have my camera so last weekend we rode back up so I could get a photo for my Blue Atlas album. I love looking at all the unique shapes and I get so excited about all the ones I spot. Since I had my camera in hand while we were riding through the square I snapped a few other photos.